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It was the night before Christmas, and everything was gay. The spoiled little shits slept, whilst horses ate hay. In one little house, just around the corner, was ten year old me; a sad little loner. However, this Christmas Eve, I was going to witness something magical:
My first boner.
When it came to puberty, I was clearly a late bloomer. I had less pubic hair than a Mario goomba. And when I wanked, because of my small dinkle, instead of jizz out came some tinkle. I was sad, depressed, lonely and had limited sexual features. Yet I was so horny I tried to sex-up my teachers and the local church's preachers.
Back to the story, as I don't wish to bore ye. This tale, it's magic, although it started out tragic. On Christmas Eve I was wanking so hard I nearly passed out, and my hopes of ejaculating I hate huge doubt. Then suddenly, I heard a small jingle, and it was so shocking I made a mess with the tinkle. Crashing through my window, in came Shrek, although this time my anus was not going to be wrecked.
He said, "hey laddie, you're doing it wrong. You must go up and down whislt sniffing your grandma's thong." Before I could say that his plan was fucking dumb, he had already held out his hand and said to touch his thumb. As soon as I did I was transported to her house, and on display was her summer blouse. Turning to him was no help, as he said I knew what to do and he couldn't help me by himself. Sighing, I obeyed, not wanting to be humped, but I was also depressed because I had been dumped.
Sneaking in her room, I threw open the door. I wrapped them round my nose and wanked until the feeling in my penis was no more. Out came the white stuff, but it was a disgrace; I hadn't learned how to aim yet, so it went all over her face. Making a mad dash, I bounded out the door. Looking back, she wouldn't of minded, she was a well-known whore.
After reaching home, I felt successful. All those none-jizzy years had been quite distressful. Thanking Shrek, he then went away. He told me that I was also gay. This didn't help the fact that I was still a loner, but I was happy, as I had experienced my first boner.
{{by-user|Jerrika12}}